At any time that I have something big on the horizon, I am always confident and positive, looking forward to the date arriving. Until…. as the date gets closer, this weird thing starts to happen. The sabotage gene starts to take over. That little voice in this stupid head of mine, can come up with all sorts of valid reasons, why I shouldn’t do whatever it is that’s planned. Of course I shouldn’t do it, and of course, I was stupid to think I could do it and plan it, in the first place. How could useless me, do something so big. Doesn’t matter what it is that’s planned, this is the way it always goes. And always, it ends up with me cancelling and then feeling disgusted with myself for doing so.
So that’s what I’ve been dealing with for a couple of weeks. Fighting that voice which is there in my head, constantly berating me and telling me not to be an idiot and think that someone like me could even contemplate tackling something like the Camino. And of course, that voice tells me, I will fail. That voice this week has been confirming that yes, I should cancel my planned Camino de Santiago pilgrimage walk.
These are some of the excuses that have popped into my head this week:
I haven’t done enough training and am not fit enough – This is ridiculous. I have trained & trained & trained and then trained more. I am definitely fit enough
Lifelong bad knees – Yes this is true, but these old wrecked knees of mine have never stopped me until now. Actually while I keep active they are fine. It’s when I stop that they give me a hard time.
Crushed bones in my spine from a cycling accident a few years ago – This is also true, but it’s something I have to live with and, same as above, it’s never stopped me before, so why should that be any different this time.
My recent purchase of Cafe Thirty 8 – This has been a little tricky to organise, and did look like being the thing that would derail everything. But staff are organised and trained and definitely can manage without me.
My dogs need me. 6 weeks is too long to leave them – I’m sure they will miss me. But dogs are dogs and they are very forgiving. I do know that the instant they see me after six weeks away, they will forgive me immediately for leaving them.
Will miss my mate – Yes I will for sure! This is a biggie! But I know he would be horrified and very disappointed in me if I gave up the trip for that reason
Concern over elderly parents – My parents are well at the moment, so there is not really any more reason to be concerned that usual.
Is it not irresponsible to drop everything and just go? – Miss Responsible, that’s me! And always has been me. I really can’t think of an irresponsible thing I’ve ever done in my life. Really, I don’t think this is irresponsible, but if it is, well then, it’s about time.
Financial concerns – No more than anyone else going on a big holiday. Perhaps it would be more sensible to put this money into my retirement fund. Perhaps it would be, but it definitely would not be as much fun
Thinking about selling my house, so should stay and get it organised – This can wait until I return. Actually time spent in reflection while walking, could be an advantage, and give me the time-out needed to mull this over and be sure that this is the right thing to do.